Jokes for The Twisted Mind

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...  The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.  When she asked me why, I replied,  "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"  And that's how the fight started.....     ______________________________    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'  'No,' she answered. I then said,  'Is that your final answer?'  She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes'  So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."  And that's when the fight started...     ________________________________    I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."  He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"  "Nah, she can order for hersel

Rule 001 - Once you have their money, you never give it back. Rule 002 - The best deal is the one that brings the most profit.   Rule 003 - Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.   Rule 004 - A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.   Rule 006 - Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.   Rule 007 - Keep your ears open.   Rule 008 - Small print leads to large risk.   Rule 009 - Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.   Rule 010 - Greed is eternal.   Rule 011 - Even if it's free, you can always buy it cheaper.   Rule 012 - Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.   Rule 013 - Anything worth doing is worth doing twice.   Rule 014 - Keep your family close, keep your Latinum closer.   Rule 016 - A deal is a deal. (until a better one comes along).   Rule 017 - A contract is a contract is a contract - but only between Ferengi.   Rule 018 - A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.  Ferengi Rule 019 - Satisfaction is not guaranteed.   R