Jokes for The Twisted Mind

  Applicants should have extensive experience in: the public service or  private enterprise exceptional spoken and written language skills a   genuine interest in, and thorough knowledge of, current affairs, economics, history, statecraft, and philosophy   be an eloquent speaker   be an earnest and empathetic individual of outstanding moral character However, we will settle for applicants who have a pulse. You will report to Her Excellency the   Governor-General , the people of Australia, backbenchers, the Leader of the Opposition, faceless men, and Alan Jones. You will be expected to manage a large team of experienced senior executives, each with varying responsibilities and capabilities, and proven track records.  Scott Morrison will probably be there too . Under your leadership, this team will be required to manage both domestic and foreign policy (preferably with occasional succ

FINAL EXAM Allowed Time: 9am until opening time Candidates must write on no more than two sides of the exam paper What language is spoken by French Canadians ? Give the most important characteristics of the ancient Babylonian Empire, with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions - or give the first names of the Osmonds. What religion is the Pope ? Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, Anglican (ONE only) Who won the Second World War?  Who came second? What is a Silver Dollar made of ? Gold, Silver, Polyvinylchloride (ONE only) Explain Le Chatelier's principle of dynamic equilibrium force, or write your name in BLOCK letters. Approximately how many commandments were given to Moses?  There we 6 kings of Britain called George. The last was George VI. Name the others. Who invented Stevenson's Rocket? Write down the numbers from 1 to 10 - marks will be deducted for every one out of sequence. Dublin is the capital of which North-East European country? Name the

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...  The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.  When she asked me why, I replied,  "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"  And that's how the fight started.....     ______________________________    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'  'No,' she answered. I then said,  'Is that your final answer?'  She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes'  So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."  And that's when the fight started...     ________________________________    I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."  He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"  "Nah, she can order for hersel

Rule 001 - Once you have their money, you never give it back. Rule 002 - The best deal is the one that brings the most profit.   Rule 003 - Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.   Rule 004 - A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.   Rule 006 - Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.   Rule 007 - Keep your ears open.   Rule 008 - Small print leads to large risk.   Rule 009 - Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.   Rule 010 - Greed is eternal.   Rule 011 - Even if it's free, you can always buy it cheaper.   Rule 012 - Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.   Rule 013 - Anything worth doing is worth doing twice.   Rule 014 - Keep your family close, keep your Latinum closer.   Rule 016 - A deal is a deal. (until a better one comes along).   Rule 017 - A contract is a contract is a contract - but only between Ferengi.   Rule 018 - A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.  Ferengi Rule 019 - Satisfaction is not guaranteed.   R